


Keep Gotham City Weird!

by BarracudaHeart



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, Crimes & Criminals, Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Tongue-in-cheek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-19 22:42:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14247282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarracudaHeart/pseuds/BarracudaHeart
Summary: Beach City's crime rate is exceptionally low. The exception being when two of nearby Gotham City's most terrible villains have escaped Arkham Asylum.





	1. Chapter 1

_ “BREAKING NEWS: Gotham City Police are currently on the lookout for two escaped inmates from Arkham Asylum. Jervis Tetch and Jonathan Crane, alternatively identified as the Mad Hatter and the Scarecrow respectively, evaded prison security early this morning and remain at large. Police also have reported that the two criminals may have passed city limits, but until further notice, residents are advised to stay indoors.” _

“Well what do you know, Jonathan?”, Jervis chuckled as he continued to fiddle with the radio in the car they’d stolen, “We’re already making headline news of the day!”

“Don’t we always?”, the other muttered with disinterest as he glared ahead at the road, driving at least twenty miles over the speed limit to get away from any possible pursuit, “Would you just pick a radio station, or better yet, turn it off completely?”

“Well a drive in silence isn’t as fun,” the Englishman quipped, still trying to find a good radio station. Most of the music these days wasn’t that appealing to him, and he couldn’t stand the stations with pundit talk radio (he considered his politics quite progressive: he would cause mayhem to everyone, regardless of race or gender!)

“Thinking about it, in the silence maybe we can actually come up with the next plan of our escape,” Jonathan reaching to snap the volume button straight to zero, “We can’t drive forever. This car is running on a third of a tank. We’ll have to stop somewhere, so keep an eye on the road signs.”

“Do you know of anything in this area?”, Jervis leafed through his coat pocket to make sure he had his personal effects that he’d snagged from Arkham aside from his costume: mind control devices. 

“I was about to ask you,” the man in the driver’s seat eyed him with a bit of disdain, “We may as well stop at the nearest town and lay low for a few hours.”

“After we burn the car of course.”

“Of course.”

“Oh! Road sign up ahead!”, Jervis tapped excitedly on the passenger window, “Beach City. 5 Miles Ahead”

“Beach City,” Jonathan repeated, “Isn’t that the town where some alien abduction occurred a few years back? I remember news reports.”

“I’m pretty sure it was a hoax,” Jervis scoffed lightly, “I mean...aliens? Really? I’m the ultimate proponent on the paranormal and even I am a skeptic about that!”

“Well, whatever happened there, it’s out of Gotham City limits, so we at least have that advantage.”

“And...new territory to claim as our own,” Jervis gave a sly grin. Forget alien hoaxes. These two would give these townsfolk something newsworthy to talk about...if they survived it.

* * *

“Hey! Lemme in!”, Lars kept banging on the lighthouse door with his knee, “My hands are full!”

Ronaldo nudged the door open with his foot, letting the other waddle in with his arms full of goodies, “It’s just the two of us here, not a full party,” he rolled his eyes.

“I know but we both eat a lot,” Lars grunted as he dropped all of the movie-watching snacks onto the couch in front of the projector.

“Oh, donuts!”

“On the house from Mr. Dewey,” Lars grinned, “I guess it pays to have a donut named after you.”

“And you still don’t find it weird?”

“Oh, no I do, I just like to milk the fame of it for what it’s worth,” Lars winked. Ever since he’d become an immortal space pirate, his occasional stays on Earth proved to be a bit of a relief. He didn’t have to worry half as much about intergalactic danger, and all his human friends could be regaled with stories of his adventures. And he and his crew got free donuts.

Ronaldo munched on the pink donut created in Lars’ honor, “So I bet you’re wondering what movies I picked out. I couldn’t decide between  _ Teens of the Wheat _ or  _ Night of the Living Sock Puppet _ , so I thought we could watch the crossover sequel for them: _ Sock Puppet Crop Teens _ .”

“A classic,” Lars grinned, opening the package of pre-popped popcorn, “Maybe next time we can watch actual talking socks. I’m thinkin’ Muppets?”

“Oh come on those aren’t scary.”

“Kermit lives in my nightmares,” Lars spoke with utter seriousness, then cackled, “Kidding. But we don’t always have to watch scary stuff,” he shrugged, “I mean, it might be kind of nice to just chill with some nostalgia.”

“Fair enough,” Ronaldo smiled, “Start up the movie whenever you want, I have to go upstairs to check the sky.”

“Again?”

“It’s an hourly duty!”, Ronaldo reminded.

“But why? Nothing’s happened in over two years. And if something does happen you know my crew and I can deal with it,” Lars assured.

“All the same, it’s my duty to protect this city, which I will do so with an utmost keen and watchful eye!”, Ronaldo vowed solemnly, as two deranged criminals entered town without even being noticed.

* * *

Not even five minutes into entering, and the Scarecrow was already sick of this place.

The bright colors and music of the boardwalk, the cheery faces of all the townspeople as they went about their day, the faint smell of burnt cotton candy…why couldn’t something like a fiery car crash have happened right before he got here? Then everyone could be miserable and he could feel much more at home!

The Mad Hatter, on the other hand, was quite delighted with how quaint everything was. He didn’t see why his cohort was so insistent on remaining sour, but to each his own. 

“Why it reminds me of the shore back in England when I was a boy!”, he chuckled, “I wonder if they have toffee apples. I hope they do.”

“I really hope they don’t,” Scarecrow groaned, hoping that some criminal genius somewhere in the world was inventing a rideshare program specifically for villains and rogues to get out of places like this, and that he could use it  _ right now _ . “Can we get off the boardwalk please?”

“Oh fine, fine,” Hatter waved off, stepping off the promenade, “I am hungry though. We haven’t eaten since the last mealtime in Arkham.”

“Well, I apologize. I didn’t think to buy bagels while escaping,” Scarecrow grouched with sarcasm.

“Oh...Jonathan,” the other patted his shoulder, “You’re hungry too aren’t you? Let’s get you something to eat, poor man!”

“Touch me again and I'll drown you,” Scarecrow warned, glancing to see a building with a large donut on it, “I guess it’s donuts for breakfast then,” he took off his mask to avoid suspicion this early.

“But...donuts?”, Hatter suddenly whined.

“What?”

“I  _ hate _ donuts!”

“Seriously? You scarf down teacakes and scones on the norm, and you hate donuts?”

“They were all that was ever around to eat during breakfast break during my time working in the laboratory, I can’t stand to eat another one of those things ever again!”

“Fine, I’ll eat a donut, and you can...I don’t know eat sugar packets or something. I don’t know what you’re into these days,” Scarecrow waved off, “Just take off your hat, people are staring at you.”

A small pale chubby child in a sailor suit, wearing an oddly blank face, was standing a distance away, looking right at them.

“Er…. _ a person _ is staring at you”, he corrected himself. 

“Oh never mind it,” Hatter waved off, “You can go inside, I’ll wait out here if you don’t mind. Do you need a gun?”

“Not this soon,” Scarecrow shook his head, “I’ll just pay with whatever money I stole. It shouldn’t be that expensive. Want tea if they have it?”

“Don’t bother,” he sighed, “It won’t be worth it.”

“Alright, your loss,” the other shrugged, heading into the store, leaving his companion to enjoy the sea air and the ocean horizon.

Jervis had been pretty sure his hallucinations of Wonderland were a thing of the past still, but not even thirty seconds of standing by himself, and he was suddenly certain he was staring at a very large pink feline trotting along the beach with a boy sat on top of it.

“Curiouser and curiouser,” he muttered under his breath, rubbing his eyes just as the animal roared and suddenly seemed to disappear. Maybe the sea air was affecting his mind.  _ Oh well _ . It wasn’t like he was a stranger to madness.

Shifting his gaze, he was suddenly surprised to see the small child from earlier had gotten closer, still staring at him from a few feet away.

“Ah...hello,” Jervis cleared his throat awkwardly, “Can I….help you?”

The child just blinked, staring at him with almost... _ soulless _ eyes.

Jervis averted his gaze with a bit of an unnerved smile. He didn’t mind children but this one in particular gave off a very strange vibe. When he looked back, he swore the child had gotten closer.

“Er...where is your mother or father? Are you lost?”

_ Blink. _

Okay this was getting too weird, even for him.

“Good grief, that donut clerk was obnoxious, ‘Dewey’ this ‘Dewey’ that,” Jonathan muttered as he approached Jervis again, a small bag in his hand, “I got you a- what’s going on?”, he looked at the blond man and then the silent child.

“This child has been staring at me without stopping,” Jervis whispered.

Jonathan cleared his throat matter-of-factly and stepped between Jervis and the small child, and focused his menacing leer on the latter. He was certain that within moments, the child would burst into tears of fright and run off.

The only response he received was the unwavering, blank stare, even after almost an entire minute.

Jonathan stood back up and faced Jervis, taking in a deep breath, “Jervis, I am speaking with utmost humility here: This child is  _ absolutely terrifying _ , even to me, and we should probably leave as quickly and calmly as possible before they pursue us.”

Jervis almost thought he was joking. But the slight twinge of fear in Jonathan’s eye made him think otherwise. Without another word, the two villains shuffled away from the child, who continued to stare for a long moment before turning their attention to some un-vandalized newspaper dispenser.

* * *

As the two continued to walk, Jervis glanced at Jonathan, “Would you believe me if I told you I’m certain I saw a pink lion walking along the beach right over there?”

“I would believe your mind is working on an empty stomach and I would tell you to eat the scone I bought you,” Jonathan handed the bag to him as he munched on the pumpkin spice donut he bought for himself, “I doubt it tastes too horrible for you to stomach.”

Jervis sighed and took a bite of the pastry, “No, it’s fine actually. Not half as good as what I make but we can’t be picky I suppose,” he shrugged, “Say, do you have any idea where we should stake as our hiding place while we plan our next move?”

Just as Jonathan was about to suggest a sea cave, they both stopped in surprise to see a madonna-esque statue carved into the cliffside overlooking the beach, complete with a slender stone hand jutting out. And on top of the hill was a lighthouse, looking to be quite worn, probably from lack of use. 

The Mad Hatter and Scarecrow grinned slyly at each other.

“Same idea?”

“Most certain.”

Upon approaching the lighthouse door, Scarecrow slipped his mask on and tested the knob, glad to see it didn’t need much force to open. As the two stepped inside, they immediately heard noise and the masked villain grimaced slightly in annoyance that they weren’t alone.

It sounded like some movie was playing on the ground floor somewhere, and the pair walked in direction of where the flicker of lights glowed in the dark. Walking around a column, they saw a couch, inhabited by some scrawny teenager who was stuffing his face with popcorn.

Scarecrow glared, ready to scare off the twerp, and flicked on the lights.

Lars made a noise in protest and stood up from the couch in annoyance, “What the heck?! I can’t see the projection now!”

Whatever Scarecrow had planned suddenly jumped out of his mind as he was legitimately shocked to see the perturbed teen was an unnatural rose hue from hair to toe.

Hatter gasped, “Good heavens! You’re pink!”

“I’m aware,” Lars crossed his arms angrily, “And who are you two? Halloween isn’t for another two months.”

“My boy, you really don’t want to know the answer to that question,” Scarecrow snarled, reaching for the sickle in his back pocket, but Hatter discreetly swatted his hand.

“Er...we’re ah….um…”, Hatter began, “It’s really quite a long story.”

“Uh-huh,” Lars raised an eyebrow, looking incredibly skeptical.

“Well what about you? Care to explain yourself?”, Scarecrow asked testily.

“What’s there to explain?”

“Well, why in the world are you pink? You’re not human are you?”

Lars was about to make a snarky remark, but realized this might be a good opportunity to regale strangers of his adventures, “Actually, I am human! But no ordinary human! I am Lars Barriga, Captain of the Off Colors, notorious space pirate, intergalactic rebel with a laundry list of enemies-”

The two fugitives looked at each other, wondering if the kid was being serious as he listed off various identities, and also if maybe it was worth it to take their chances with the creepy pale child.

“And-”, Lars finished soon, “I am this town’s  _ hero _ .”

Scarecrow and Hatter both perked up at the label.

“Oh?....how so?”, Hatter decided to ask with faked cheer.

“Well, we had aliens invade our town on several occasions, and with the Crystal Gems and my crew I was able to help-” Lars began to ramble, talking of his accolades with eager pride, unaware that the gears in the pairs’ heads were turning and realizing he just changed this whole situation….and not for the better.

If Lars was this town’s hero, then it would certainly be a tragedy if  _ two of the most notorious criminals from Gotham _ were to bring him to defeat.

Scarecrow and Hatter grinned with wicked mischief at each other, slowly reaching for their respective weapons.

Before Lars could go on further, Ronaldo came down the stairs from his hourly telescope check, unaware of the intruders. 

Lars pointed a thumb at the two, “Hey, Ronnie, did you invite your freaky internet friends over for cosplay stuff?”

“Not until next week! Why?”, Ronaldo suddenly saw the two new, unfriendly faces leering at him and Lars with malicious glee. He looked at them, then at Lars, then back at them, and a look of nervous realization set on his face. Lars looked at him, and realized the situation they were in.

“...uh oh.”

  
  
  


 


	2. Chapter 2

“So which of these brats should we torture first?”, Scarecrow impatiently dragged the tip of his sickle’s blade into the wall, “My vote’s on Mr. Hero here,” he pointed at Lars, who was squirming to get out from the ropes tied around his arms and legs.

“Wait!”, Ronaldo suddenly spoke up before Hatter could answer, “You’re kidnapping him because he’s a hero? Is that why you’re kidnapping me too? Because I’m a famed hero of the city too?”

Hatter and Scarecrow looked at each other, shrugged, and Scarecrow grinned maliciously, “Sure. Whatever helps you feel better.”

“Awesome,” Ronaldo grinned, stars in his eyes.

“Ronaldo, this isn’t something to get excited about! These whackjobs have us tied up and they’ve got weapons!!”, Lars snapped, still struggling to get free.

“Whackjob? Well, that’s a very offensive term,” Hatter scoffed, fixing his tie, “We prefer the term ‘criminal masterminds’ thank you very much.”

“Wait! I want to get this all on video,” Ronaldo insisted, managing to wiggle upright from his chair, “This could be the hit that makes me go viral!”

“Ronaldo wait!!”, Lars yelped, watching his friend hop, with his feet tied, up the stairs at an impressively fast speed, much to Scarecrow’s surprise.

“Wh- Blast it! Grab him!!”, he ordered Hatter, who hurried up the stairs to try and catch Ronaldo. When they didn’t return after a few seconds, Scarecrow grumbled under his breath, and turned his attention back to Lars.

“Well I suppose it is just you and me now, Captain Burrito.”

“ _Barriga_.”

“Right. It won’t matter after I’m through with you.”

“Is this all some weird kinky dominatrix kind of thing Ronaldo ordered off the internet where people come to your house and tie you up?? Because if it is I do _not_ consent to this and-”

“What?! _NO!!!_ ”, Scarecrow spat, almost disgusted at the idea, “Where did you get that- ugh, forget it!”, he snarled, turning off the lights, minus a candle sat on a table, but the villain was nowhere to be seen in Lars’ eyesight.

“In full honesty, my boy,” his voice came from somewhere else in the room, “I have no idea who you or your pudgy companion are, and I probably will not remember it a day from now. But as of right now, you are my subject, as a scholar of the mind.”

Lars tried to twist his neck around to see where the voice was coming from, but couldn’t see anything.

“You must have a lot of various traumas, what, being a wanted space criminal and all. Facing off against formidable villains, threats to your home...your planet, your life. How did you even turn pink? Perhaps painful chemicals? Mutagens?”, his tone was wickedly playful, the same way a beast was before it killed its prey.

“Oh no, see I died getting my skull cracked open on an alien planet after exploding some robots, and one of my friends brought me back to life by crying on me.”

“...Really?” Scarecrow’s tone was genuinely surprised, “Thats...well that’s a new one. Anyway, with all the subconscious traumas you’ve probably blanked from your mind in the years to follow, I can only imagine what you may experience when we bring those to light.”

The villain then stepped in front of Lars, a menacing glare under his mask as he held up a gas canister.

“So tell me, child,” he leaned forward, “ _What do you fear?_ ”

* * *

The Mad Hatter caught up to Ronaldo, but was catching his breath as he did so.

“I didn’t think that a boy like yourself….tied at the hands and feet, could hop, much less escape so quickly!”, he wheezed, clapping a hand on Ronaldo’s shoulder from behind.

“Oh I’ve always been practicing for events like these,” Ronaldo spoke up without any anxiety, skillfully trying to pick up his laptop between his chest and chin, “Could you give me a hand here? Set up the laptop on that table right there?”

“I...lad, you do realize you’re a hostage to me right now, yes??”

“Well I want to at least have it livestreamed!”, Ronaldo complained, managing to drop the laptop into the confused Hatter’s hands, “Besides, I have so many questions to ask you!”

“Really? Questions for me?”

“Of course! I have to know everything about the organization you were sent by!”

“...I wasn’t sent by any organization,” the villain shook his head with exasperation, “I’m-”

“Are you rival cosplayers consumed with jealousy over my sewing skills?”

“N-No! I’m-”

“Are you from an online service that hires weird dominatrix workers to come to your house and-”

“Absolutely not!!!”, the Hatter screeched in horror, “What is wrong with you?!”

“I’m just covering all my bases! I never know who my theories have provoked!”

“I am nothing that your baseless, hairbrained theories could have touched upon!”, the villain snarled pointed an accusing finger, “I am The Mad Hatter, the true king of Wonderland, and the ultimate maveric of mind control!!!”

“...Did we meet at a con once?”, Ronaldo glanced at him in curiosity, “Your cosplay doesn’t ring any bells.”

Nearly losing his temper again, the Hatter forced Ronaldo to sit down in the nearest chair, and jammed a finger in his chest, “Now you listen here you sausage-fingered oaf, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you’ve made me able to believe _more_ than six impossible things before breakfast. And they’re all in regards to how frustrating you are being!”

Ronaldo shrugged, “...hm...I’ve heard worse.”

“You’re capable of driving almost anyone absolutely mad, I swear your brain is probably a Wonderland in itself,” the Hatter shook his head, “In such a short amount of time I’m already sickeningly frustrated by it.”

Catching his breath as he fixed his hat upon his head, he rubbed his chin in thought, “And yet...I _do_ wonder how it might handle something like a mind control device.”

Ronaldo glanced aside, “Ah...I don’t really think-”

“Then you shouldn’t talk!”, the Hatter waggled his finger with a cheeky grin, but when he was met with confused silence, he let out a short breath, “A quote from _Alice in Wonderland_ , lad.”

“Oh! I can quote fandom too,” Ronaldo grinned with pride, “I can tell you the entire transcript of the forty minute special episode of Crying Breakfast Friends including the deleted lines-”

“Oh forget this,” his captor muttered, pacing around the room, trying to think of what to do next. This boy’s blabbering was already exhausting him. He caught attention of a table of various pieces of machinery and technology, “What’s this over here?”

“My scientific discoveries!”, Ronaldo sniffed proudly, “I found that large green finger there from when an alien hand ship exploded into the cliffside right below us! I’ve been dissecting it for years! And that marble shaped apparatus there, I found that from-”

“Curiouser and curiouser!”, the Hatter chirped, picking pieces up with interest, “I’ve never seen technology quite like this! And have you managed to make heads or tails of any of it, lad?”

“Uhhhhh….not really. I mean, the Crystal Gems know more about it than I do, but they won’t tell me anything.”

“Ah what a shame,” the Hatter shook his head with a pleasant smile, putting the robonoid in his hand down, “For a moment there, I saw the sparks of your brilliant mind.”

“...really?”

The Hatter pulled out a card from his pocket, “Oh yes. Too bad I’ll have much more fun burning it to a crisp.”

* * *

“What the heck is that??”, Lars snapped as he looked at the gas canister in Scarecrow’s hand, “Are you gonna graffiti the place?”

“Oh, _you’ll wish_ that’s what I’m planning to do,” the fear specialist laughed, “This, my boy, is an especially potent fear toxin, created to bring forth the fears deep in your mind, both visually and physically. Closing your eyes won’t help you!”

“I...wasn’t planning to do that,” Lars muttered, chewing on his lip.

“I thought I’d have your companion here, but since the Hatter seems to be doing an independent study with him, I’ll just have to make do with one specimen,” the Scarecrow grinned, “I can’t wait to see how a fearless space pirate will end up a blubbering, vegetative mass on the floor. Why, just think of your crew! How will they ever get along?”

“They’ll do fine without me,” Lars spat, glaring in defiance at his captor, “They’re as eager to protect the earth as I am from Homeworld, evil aliens, and idiots like you.”

“Strong words. Can they hold up?”, the masked villain grinned wickedly as he opened the canister and a cloud of fear gas billowed right into Lars’ face.

A maniacal laugh bellowed from the Scarecrow as Lars coughed and choked on the fear toxin, and then he quieted himself to wait for the effects and to see his test subject become a screaming, sobbing wreck.

Lars quickly managed to catch his breath, and blink, staring at the Scarecrow, whose face was dropping in confusion at seeing no change of demeanor in the teenager.

“That...can’t be right,” he hissed under his breath, looking at the canister, which smelled strongly of the familiar chemicals.

“So how soon before it kicks in? Five minutes? Ten minutes?”, Lars shifted awkwardly in his chair, watching the red clouds peter out,

“This...This is impossible!!”, the Scarecrow suddenly yelled after almost a minute of waiting, “You should be completely torn apart in terror!!! How are you still sitting like this!?”

Lars stared at the infuriated villain in surprise, then grinned in triumph, laughing boisterously, “Don’t you know?! I’m a complicated teenage boy with crippling anxiety! I’m _already_ in abject terror of everything as it is!”

“That can’t be! The hallucinogens, the neurotoxins, they-”

“Hey, buddy, maybe you should have taken into account that I’ve already died and got brought back to life by magical powers. I don’t work like other humans do.”

The Scarecrow dropped the empty gas canister in his hand, and Lars whistled, “I sure do hope you brought more than one can.”

About to retort, the Scarecrow froze in place as he realized a potentially fatal mistake.  He only did have one can.

He could bring down mutants and untamed beasts of the wild and the mightiest heroes with that toxin, but he wasted it all on some candy-pink space pirate.

Lars then added insult to injury by saying the utmost stupid thing Scarecrow could have ever heard in his life.

“ _Bingo Bongo_.”

As Scarecrow screamed and cursed and violently stamped about in a wide-scale temper tantrum, Lars watched with an eager grin, “I guess now is a good time to tell you how this almost happened to me in Sector 5 during an interrogation. Good times...good times.”  


 

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Now….Reynold, was it?”

“ _Ronaldo_.”

“Ronaldo, yes, yes,” the Mad Hatter smiled, stepping closer, “Do you have any family that live around here?”

“My dad and brother, why?”

“Well,” the criminal clicked his tongue, “I just am picturing...how terribly sad they might be to see you return home without your brilliantly curious mind controlling you…”

He leaned forward, “And how terrified they might be if you were _responsible_ for something tragic happening to them.”

Ronaldo froze as he stared at the playing card in the other’s hand, about to be planted on him, and his demeanor suddenly changed.

“Wait, before you put this on me, can you at least show me what it looks like? And how it works? Mind control technology really is kind of fascinating to me.”, Ronaldo piped up just before the Mad Hatter could tuck the mind control playing card behind his ear, looking at his captor with what he hoped was a pleading look.

Hatter scoffed and sighed, “Oh alright. If it makes you more complacent,” he held the device in front of Ronaldo’s face, “It’s primarily structured with the use of electrons that tap into the brain and more or less follow the same brain patterns as another person, the controller. It’s quite intricate,” he sniffed proudly, opening one of the cards up to show all the technology inside.

“That’s amazing,” Ronaldo breathed, then grinned, “Say uh, on my table over there, that marble robot you were holding? I think it works on the same principle. The gem who controlled them had a device sort of like yours!”

“Oh? Really?”, the Hatter rubbed his chin, “That’s quite interesting.”

“Can you bring it over here so I can see if they’re the same thing? You might have to break it open, but it could maybe be an upgrade to your technology.”

“Hmmm, a solid point,” the criminal grinned, always having been quite boastful of his technological skill, and turned away to head to the table and grab the robonoid, “Why you may have just inadvertently made my whole job much easi-OOF!!!”

The Hatter was suddenly knocked forward into the table by a sucker punch to the back of the head, knocking his hat right off. The table tipped and he crashed with the tech samples to the floor. Groaning, he rolled onto his back to face Ronaldo, who was suddenly standing over him, kicking the ropes off his feet while his hands were already freed.

“H-How did you escape so fast?!”, the maniac gasped in surprise, “You were tied up and-”

“Yeah, see, I told you I’ve planned for situations like this, and I kind of knew I wasn’t going to be in any real danger, even with your mind control devices and whatnot,” Ronaldo shrugged, fixing his glasses, “My default setting up until this point has been “half-ass” or maybe “quarter-ass”. But _then_ _you threatened my family_ ,” his smug expression shifted into one of displeasure, and he grabbed the Hatter by the collar, lifting him up to his feet, and right in his face, “So my setting has now changed from “half-ass” to _“quadruple-ass”_.”

“Th-that’s a lot of-”

“A lot of ass. I know,” Ronaldo leered at him as he grabbed the mind control devices straight out of his hand, squeezing them hard until they cracked, much to the Hatter’s shock.

“Y-you broke my-”

“That’s not all I’m going to break if you don’t get out of my lighthouse in the next ten seconds,” Ronaldo warned him with a glare.

Jervis Tetch wouldn’t have been so terrified of a chubby nerd if he didn’t just watch them destroy his creations in one touch, and if he hadn’t left his alternate weapons downstairs with Jonathan.

“A-Alright! I’ll go downstairs!”, the fugitive agreed frantically, and once Ronaldo dropped him, he scurried down the stairs, Ronaldo following behind at a leisurely stroll.

Nobody would ever believe it, but maybe it was for the best.

* * *

“And that’s why Homeworld sucks, and Earth is way better, and I think your criminal identity is stupid and your strengths would probably be way better used at protecting your home from more gem invasions,” Lars prattled on to the broken spirit that was Jonathan Crane, who was currently banging his head against the lighthouse wall.

“My boy, if I cared a single bit about protecting the planet from aliens I would not be here,” he growled, “I haven’t even met any of the sentient gems you speak of.”

“Oh well if you stick around town you probably will, they’re pretty hard to miss, there’s-”

“Jonathan!”, Jervis suddenly spoke up as he hurried down the stairs, “There was a fluke in the plan! The boy damaged my technology, and he’s demanding we leave.”

“Jervis, you can’t just let a brat push you around, you have to take control of the situation!”

“So...why isn’t the other boy in absolute fear.”

“...shut up?”

“Well it looks like we’ve foiled both of your schemes!” Lars laughed from his chair, where he was still tied up, “So what are you gonna do now?”

“Yeah! What are you gonna do?”, Ronaldo stood beside Lars with a smug grin.

The two villains looked at each other, then at the boys, holding up weapons, “Well....we _could_ _just kill you_.”

“Oh.”

Ronaldo was struggling to untie Lars as the criminals slowly menaced forward. Before Scarecrow could raise his sickle over his head, the wall in front of them busted wide open from a large gauntlet plowing through it.

The two stared in surprise at the three humanoid specimens that entered, glaring at them with displeasure.

“I’ve had a vision!”, a small orange alien chirped from behind them, “The Crystal Gems will stop two masked villains from attacking Captain Lars and his human friend!”

“O-oh _those_ are gems,” Scarecrow gulped, and began to step away nervously, "I thought they were...actual rocks..."

“Let’s get out of here!!” Mad Hatter cried, and the two ran for the door, but suddenly were knocked to the floor by a purple whip snagging their feet and the most slender gem pointing a spear at them.

“You’re not going anywhere!”, she warned them both, “Not without police escort!”

“Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! Padparadscha!”, Lars cheered as he managed to get untied, “How did you find us?”

“Padparadscha made predictions of you situation,” Garnet fixed her glasses, “And I may or may not have seen this as a possibility.”

“We’ve changed our minds!!!”, Scarecrow suddenly yelped as he was staring right at Pearl’s spear, “We’d _love_ to help your cause against alien forces!! We’d rather be nowhere than good old Beach City yes?!”, he laughed nervously, trying to save his skin.

“I predict one of the villains will lie to try and escape,” Padparadscha suddenly spoke up, standing in front of him.

“Snitch,” he hissed at her as he was forced to his feet by Garnet who held him in a vicegrip in one hand, and the Hatter in the other.

“Your hometown’s law enforcement will be here soon,” she spoke with a calm tone, “If I were you, I wouldn’t be going anywhere,” she warned.

“R-right,” Hatter gulped nervously, terrified of the large woman currently holding him by the scruff.

* * *

As Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch were being loaded into the van dispatched from Arkham, they took one last look at the city they failed to terrorize, avoiding looking at any of the curious faces that came to watch the commotion. They saw the blank-faced child from earlier, and Jonathan flinched. _Heavens_ , that kid was creepy.

Before the doors were shut, they saw their two hostages from earlier approach the van driver with a box, speaking to him. They couldn’t make out what was being said, but the driver looked in the box, took it from them, and then walked over to the van, where the escapees sat cuffed inside.

“Well you two are in luck. The two kids you kidnapped have a little gift for you.”

“Gift?”

“For us?”

“They brought y’over a box of donuts for the ride back. Said there was no hard feelins.”

The driver set the box between the two inmates, and slammed the door shut, soon driving away, out of sight of Beach City, hopefully for good.

“I don’t really understand why you gave them donuts,” Pearl shook her head as she approached Lars and Ronaldo, “They really could have caused you two harm.”

“Well we like to consider ourselves very forgiving. We’re humans after all,” Lars grinned, glancing at Ronaldo, who grinned right back, and they patted the empty vials in their pockets.

* * *

“Well it’s certainly odd they’d have given us these after what we put them through,” Jervis opened the box, seeing it full of pink donuts and muffins with pink frosting and sprinkles.

“Do you think we should really eat them?”

“They look okay,” Jervis shrugged, grabbing a muffin, “Besides, I haven’t had anything to eat since that scone. Leave it to softhearted children to think of us.”

“Fools,” Jonathan snickered, grabbing a donut, and took a bite.

Strange. He’d never tasted _salt_ on a donut before.

Twenty minutes later, Arkham Asylum received a call from the van driver that the back of the vehicle was currently on fire, and both inmates were _currently suffering from_ _second and third degree burns in their throat_.

But that wasn’t the biggest of the institution's worries. Just an hour later, two more inmates would escape without notice.

* * *

“So...you’re fugitives from your home?”, Peridot grinned as she offered another empty teacup to the bubbly jester in front of her. There was no tea, but the hospitality mattered!

“Right-a-roonie!”, Harley grinned, taking the cup without question, absolutely delighted to be on the lam again.

“No kidding! So are we!”, Peridot gestured to herself and Lapis, “That’s why we live in this barn! We made it our home! And we’re happy to make it yours!”

“We are?”, Lapis whispered.

“We are!”, she grinned back at her.

“Well that’s _very kind_ ,” Poison Ivy grinned cooly as she petted the sentient plant currently in her lap, “I just _love_ this pumpkin you’ve tended to.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Threw an Archer reference in there, you're welcome.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written for any of the Batman Rogues in AGES and it felt nice to sink back into the fandom again for this crossover.


End file.
